The rapidity of April has been a shock to the system. I suppose the whole month has been a series of coping mechanisms to find a version of joy within the reality of quarantine. There hasn’t been any great sadness or desolation or frustration, given that I am able to stay at home, and that there are others who are less fortunate. But then again perhaps there is a bigger frustration in that freedom was palpable and now it has been withdrawn. Katie’s post on wasted youth sums this up nicely; there is form of grief in the memories succumbed to the crisis and that the best moments of our lives are being moulded by the trajectory of the pandemic. Moments of tranquillity have allowed me to think, this is actually okay, normality will return and that everyone is, in some way, suffering a loss.

some highlights: 

• reading
• days glorified by the sunshine, spent outside in the garden
• a few sporadic runs that have lead to a deep appreciation of where I live
• firming Durham
• changing course to French and Spanish ab initio (si, voy a hablar espanol)
• starting to actually learn Spanish
• finally finding flour in the supermarket to make some more banana bread (I may branch out to more advanced bakes in May)
• zoom calls with friends and quizzes that gave scope for reminiscing
• zoom calls for Fashion Revolution week
• I finally figured out how to remove the yellow tint when I take photos on my DSLR
• a member of the royal family followed me on Instagram (this really shouldn’t be a highlight but it was a highlight and I’m including it because she’s also done really cool work for the climate and is more than just a ‘royal’). It was also quite unfunnily funny because I messaged my friends that this verified model who’s done climate work has followed me and they were the ones who had to inform me who it was

some lows:

There was one day when I woke up at 7:30am, didn’t get out of my pyjamas till 2pm, finished reading The Hearing Trumpet by Leonora Carrington and cannot remember much more. It was perhaps symbolic for the purposeless felt in lockdown, an extension of how I felt at the end of last month. Now I realise that as someone who thrives on being busy, I have to fabricate activities (aside from Felt Fancy which is the one constant). Watching talks, writing posts and participating in Fashion Revolution week in part turned that around. The week has always coincided with exam revision so to be able to engage with it was so positive, despite the imperative of fighting for a better fashion industry that has been made all the more important due to COVID-19.

I didn’t wash my hair for six days and I was totally okay with that because no one could see if I angled myself appropriately on Facetime, even more so if I wore a strategically placed headband. Then I washed my hair and it was brilliant but I should not consider hair washing as a form of self-care. Let’s be real, there will always be moments with an overwhelming desire not to get dressed, or worry about how I look, although maybe I should care if I want to upkeep the coherency of both my mood and the day.

what I’ve been reading this month:

Again, a lot. Books have given me this palpable escape that seems to validate whole afternoons in the garden not doing much else. They’ve distinguished the days and have given April so much more fulfilment. There will be some more going up in another book recommendation post going up in the next week, but here’s a selection from the past month:

I’m not quite sure I’m enamoured by Fitzgerald but there is no denying the beauty in his words, and the symbolism that characters possess concerning wider societal values. Tender Is The Night was no different, I loved it but I also loathed it in parts.

Breakfast of Champions by Kurt Vonnegut satirises American politics in a way that is at points disturbing, but on the whole, incredibly revealing of the systemic failures revealed by Vonnegut’s wry humour and examining of our quotidian through the two main characters. I can’t help thinking how discomforting this book was in parts, as a piece of metafiction, the two main characters are quite clearly manipulated by the 1st person narrator.

I’ve finally dipped into Spanish literature with Gabriel García Márquez’s One Hundred Years of Solitude. I adored this book as Márquez follows seven generations of a family living in a town named Macondo, a microcosm of Columbian life and an exploration into the solitude that plagues the family. It is then, perhaps, quite fitting for our current period of separation. 

I’ve also been reading a lot more blogs; Katie’s (https://kaatielouu.blogspot.com/), Lexie’s (http://www.lexiealexandra.com/) and Alice’s (https://www.wordsbyalice.com/) are just a few that I’ve loved this month.

what I’ve been listening to/watching:

Ever since watching Unorthodox on Netflix, I’ve been dreaming about dancing the night away in a techno club in Berlin. One day it’ll happen. Dreams aside, this drama depicts a young woman called Esty as she flees her Ultra-Orthodox Jewish community in Williamsburg, Brooklyn. It was only four hour-long episodes, so of course I binge watched it.

I couldn’t get away with not mentioning Normal People in this post. It was incredible, emotionally enrapturing, beautiful. I thought I was emotionally stable enough to watch it, turns out I was not.

The return of the High Low podcast has elevated the mood of this month. There’s nothing better than hearing about how strangers whose lives you’ve become invested in are coping with what they call the ‘panny-d’.

goals for next month: 

A new section of this post to speak my lockdown self-improvement goals into existence, that may or may not come into fruition. I really want to sew more. The weather isn’t indicating perpetual sunshine for the next week so I’m going to hibernate with my sewing machine and new ideas. The outcome is to be determined. 

I’d also quite like to, although this may be too much of a stretch, start journaling. Quite possibly, if I get into a habit of doing it every evening or morning I will stick to it; I need a marker simply to distinguish from day to day.

Part of me is looking forward to May because I have *shock* things to look forward to in the form of Open Courtauld Lectures every Thursday, my French books (!) have arrived, I’ve just discovered some art podcasts and I think writing down a routine will provide some needed continuity and direction that I so clearly desire.

I hope you are all staying safe and well.

lots of love, eleanor xx