Combining the two months together because I started writing a post at the end of May and didn’t quite finish. I wrote that May was a month of narcissism, creativity, actually committing to my business, all of which has seeped into June. June was a month of greater action, living less in my head and more in the present. Also of awareness and learning and participating in a dialogue of racism that has to lead to continued action in order to make tangible change.

The highlights:

• every single piece of clothing I’ve made in the past two months (I will wear and treasure and remember them as my lockdown wardrobe)
• yoghurt cake – or yoghurt. or puff pastry. I did a lot more cooking. We now own mustard seeds. I still can’t find chickpeas.
• liking most of the songs on my discovery weekly podcasts
• making a website for my jewellery – www.feltfancy.co.uk
• prosecco brunch followed by an 8k walk
• socially distant picnics and seeing friends for the first time since lockdown
• connecting online with some incredible people to discuss incredibly important issues
• a gifted embroidery workshop
• audiobooks
• a Matisse art class thanks to Katie‘s recommendation
• the fact I’ve had clear skin for the majority of lockdown
• ice-cream and snatched conversations with strangers

The lows:

I broke down over lasagne. Last weekend I was making my classic vegetable lasagne whilst my mum was doing the weekly my food shop. The béchamel sauce went terribly, wouldn’t thicken and I had a breakdown as she arrived home. This was all saved with a glass of wine. Yes, it was silly to start crying over lasagne but I think it signified my need to make my mum happy in some form that I felt I could not fulfil with crappy béchamel sauce. I’ve made it two times since and was a success

Most of the time I feel my writing is inadequate, borderline shallow (see Instagram captions for reference) and doesn’t articulate the crux of the issue I want to discuss; I feel this all the more intensely with informative blog posts. Inadequacy was probably the umbrella term for lows in May and a large majority of June. Whether that be not selling as much on Felt Fancy (all due to comparison to others), the reels of people meeting up while I was sat at home feeling, you could guess… inadequate. Or not getting a job, or getting a job too late. There are always things we could improve on, sometimes you do have to block it out. Or just not go on Linkedin.

Lexie said in her post that she’s been glued to her phone and I definitely felt unhealthy habits have been fostered in the past few months. I am going to try my hardest to break with it in July. I have been soaking in the moments of joy without it and then obsessing over photos in its wake. I have woken up and reaching for my phone as if it is a natural movement. I have become more creative with my online content, but I need to become more present with the concrete world.

what I’ve been reading:
– a lot of books. which is again no surprise. But books that taught me a lot or diversified my reading and then lead to further incredible books by black authors. There are a few in my recent recommendations post, all worth reading.
– The Lost Children Archive was a book I have been thinking about a lot. I loved it and loathed it at the same time. What I thought would be a book focusing on the migrant crisis of children crossing the border between Mexico and the US, it is against the backdrop of a failing middle-class marriage; clearly broken down by the road trip they have taken their children on. There were lots of strands to the novel which perhaps dampens the power of a book on migration but there were moments of genius scattered throughout.
– I do not hold every book I read in high esteem and Rest And Be Thankful was reflective of that. I listened to it but I know I would have had the same response had I read it. In fact, I’m not sure I would have finished it. A nurse working on a paediatric unit, who is burned out, in a loveless relationship and whilst asleep, dreams of water. A depiction of life and death illuminated through its lyricism; it just didn’t resonate with me.
– one of my best friends Yelena has made a blog! Which you should all read because she is lovely and her blog is also lovely. She also took the featured photo (not knowing it would be) so is a woman of many talents.

what I’ve been watching/listening to:
– quite a lot of Youtube. A few recommendations are Nayna Florence, Tolu Duckworth and Moya Mawhinney. All worth watching for various reasons, whether that be study content, art or sustainable fashion.
– I’ve only just started watching I May Destroy You; an incredible exploration of womanhood, race, micro-aggressions and addressing very relevant millennial issues. It will no doubt have caught up by the end of this week.

Maybe we’ll look back at the days where we sat in a field and couldn’t touch but were instead touched by the simplicity of it all. The privilege to feel claustrophobic where we live and overwhelmed by what’s beyond. Equally though, I know I’ve spoken about privilege in the sense of COVID-19 but of course, this extends further. In the past two months, I have confronted my own white privilege, learnt more, am continuing to learn more and acknowledge mistakes but also continue to be an active ally. I have a lot of resources on my Instagram and in my highlights, which will continue to be updated. Beyond the gestures of sharing, learning, donating and signing; check in with your Black friends to ask if they’re okay, confront micro-aggressions when you see them, don’t remain silent.

I think I’ve learnt in the past few months that you don’t have to produce anything to validate existence. Even reading a book comes with some sort of achievement that you’ve finished, accomplished and onto the next; which is silly really. I have not made a scrapbook, or written a journal, despite all good intentions. I will, to look back on, but not now. Once I’ve developed all my film photos. And I’ll keep it for me. Some things (a lot of things) don’t need to be shared on the internet.

So there’s a post to coming to terms with change, making change, hopefully continuing to make change. That is the sum of the past few months. July is going to be an interesting one. I’m doing my first physical market with Felt Fancy on Sunday which is incredibly exciting and continues the making changes of the past few months. I did not expect my gap year to take such a creative turn, but I am overjoyed that it has.

lots of love, eleanor xx