It’s 2:30am; I have just woken up from a nightmare about being spiked via needle and have just bought a dress for one of my best friend’s 21st on eBay. No auction anxiety necessary; this was a strictly ‘buy it now’ purchase. The two acts don’t correlate, but they do somehow represent the current state of affairs.

I want to say, however, that they do correlate. They reflect how our lives, or at least the life of a university student, is in a constant state on the brink of something happening, or not happening, or boycotting or hoping the staff don’t boycott our education with the prospect of a strike.

I started writing a post called ‘things to grapple with in the summer of 2021’ on the 9th of August, the last time I sat down to write a post and filled with latent disappointment that the summer after Covid was not plentiful of drunken kisses in sweaty clubs, when in actuality that is far from my preferred way to spend an evening.

Alas, the next day, I saw a job posting on my French society page to work in a Château for a month, and the following week I was out there. It was even more starkly ironic because I quote directly: ‘I am writing this post on iPhone notes despite wishing it was a secluded beach somewhere foreign and practicing my French with a stranger.’ Many conversations with strangers, in both French and English, were to be had. And thus, maybe my grappling had some element of manifestation. However, I think on this occasion, it was just an immense amount of luck.

There ought to be some kind of formal petition to stop 5pm classes because with a mask, the heat and the fact I have usually just bought a chai latte opposed to a deeply necessary caffeine kick, concentration does not form part of any vocabulary.

Things I learnt whilst in France:

• Second marriages are often considerably more successful than first ones
• I can now cook a roast dinner after never cooking a roast chicken before (despite having to ask how to cook a chicken)
• My repertoire of desserts has been thoroughly extended, comprising lemon tart and lime cheesecake, just to name a few.
• I think I realise that helping in a hospitality environment is the ideal job for a borderline people pleaser
• I’m still quite allergic to cats, albeit frustratingly
• Never take me to a vide-grenier because that car boot sale will never be left.
• On that note, I always need to remember to travel with a suitcase half full in order not to worry about not being able to fit everything in. Not the right thing to say concerning consumerism, but the right something regarding second-hand French fashion.
• There are some truly good people in the world (note: the couple that owns the Château and the mayor and his wife of the town, who bought one of the books I needed for my course)
• Finding something you’re passionate about is fundamental. And it doesn’t have to be early on in life.
• We are always on the brink of things. Whether that be a new project, a new job, a fledgling romance, on the verge of a confidence crisis or academic breakdown.

It was a magical end to summer and a springboard to a hectic five weeks back in Durham. Spent cooking, trying not to make everything fashion related my personality (and failing), grappling with who I want to be as a person (something that has changed slightly from last year). A few late nights; even fewer early ones. Dinners; walks; 21sts; awkward conversations that can only be recalled the following afternoon; French and Spanish in not relatively equal measures. A brief visit from my mum, my best friend; many discussions about the state of spiking followed by concrete action. Talking to people in the smoking area of a club and unable to comprehend whether they’ll remember the next time.

Today is Halloween. I have just got back from helping at model auditions for our university fashion show, an exciting way to spend a Sunday morning, and one girl even turned up in a pair of Felt Fancy earrings. I think this is the validation I realise I need. Not academic, not from any male but instead from my practical and creative pursuits. Also, the relative joy that people who wear what I make seem to get from wearing them.

My creative pursuits have been extended to making a newspaper dress for my Halloween costume. I am attempting to be a ‘newsflash’. The articles I will be adorning will include some on the climate, in particular COP 26, because that is scary enough in itself.

One of the longest months that tumbles into November, on the brink of my 21st, colder nights and fireworks and an augmenting workload.

A bientôt, Eleanor xx