The end is finally here. I didn’t really know how to open this post. Part of me feels euphoric that I have the whole summer ahead of me to relax, READ, explore, travel, write. Part of me feels lost without the rigid routine of revision that stretches out the days and compartmentalised my emotions about almost everything in order to overcome the inevitable stress of A Levels. Part of me feels proud of all the work and hours that I’ve put in, but then part of me feels so disheartened at all the mistakes I’ve made, the bad exams and the ‘impossible to stop thinking about’ things I could have done better. Like Lucas said to Lou in No et Moi; <<jamais tu t’arrêtes … de gamberger?>> (do you never stop thinking?) and oui, c’est vraie – I really don’t. (You can stop thinking about your A Level exams now Eleanor plEasE).

For once I felt I did exam season well this year. Well… in terms of my mental health this is. Not necessarily in terms of the outcome of the exams but alas, we shall see come results day. But I took breaks, I saw friends, I exercised probably more than I do when it isn’t exam season. Last week was when I realised quite how drained I had become though and how a serious rest was due. The thing is, I didn’t really document the exams on my blog or my Instagram, just a few cryptic tweets on my Twitter. So I never really processed my emotions when it came to how I felt I’d done until I just had one exam left and I allowed all the errors to come seeping in. I’m okay with dealing with stress before an exam, but after, nope that is just not the case. I’d like to kid myself and say I’ve done well but I think that may be wishful thinking. I think it is necessary to document such feelings though because the internet is a great enabler in the sense that one can enable others to stop feeling alone in their own spiral of self doubt. Exam season sucks. End of. (Although History exams may be the one exception to this and it has confirmed that I definitely made the right decision uni wise.) I sincerely hope I don’t think about my exams for one more day than I need to because I am ! not ! ruining ! my ! summer ! because of a few bad exams *cough* English Literature *cough*.

Now the rigid days of revision are replaced with … anything? Everything? In the two days I’ve been off I’ve started and finished Fleabag (WOW that show); crocheted a bucket hat (my first creative pursuit of summer that I do intend on wearing); packed for going away; cried; went on a quick 5k run; watched Love Island; saw Matilda at the theatre with my best friend; read 8 pages of Normal People (oops) and for the first time in what feels like forever tried to actually relax. Part of me wants to do something everyday but then part of me just wants to curl up and sleep for 15 hours. I expected the first few days after finishing to be filled with anything but sadness but there is somewhat of an empty hole that up until Monday was taken up by revision, but then it would be unrealistic to just be happy all the time. Regardless, on Sunday I’m going to see my best friend in France and then we’re going to Madrid and Valencia for a week and I CANNOT wait. Travelling is like a suspended reality and I am just very excited about it all, especially the possibility of wearing my new bucket hat.

I feel like I don’t want to pre empt this summer with the idea of ‘this is what I want to do and I’m going to do it all’ because I had planned the entirety of my life to the minutest detail during A Levels and no, that is not happening this summer. Just going with the flow.

So here is to summer

Here is to seeing Matilda last night at the theatre with my best friend

Here is to summer parties

Here is to lazy mornings

Here is to going on holiday on Sunday (ahhhh!)

Here is to reading books !!

Here is to learning more about life

Here is to new experiences

Here is to maybe, hopefully, learning a bit of Spanish

Here is to not thinking about results

Here is to writing blog posts that have more substance than my eternal ramblings

Here is to learning more about photography

Here is to hanging out with friends whenever

Here is to day trips

Here is to travelling

Here is to waking up whenever

Here are to the conversations in the early hours of the morning

Here is to learning how to cook before I go to university

Here is to the plans not made

Here is to not being consumed with thoughts of the past

Here is to now

I actually wrote what would have been this post before I’d actually finished, after a less-than-average French exam. It was just permeated with an intense tone of sadness and regret, to be expected but not necessarily the desired ‘I can’t wait for summer’ vibe. I am literally loving doing nothing even if more than two days of such can be too much, I am in thorough need of this period of limbo.

lots of love,

eleanor x