I’m 18! Well I was, last Saturday (the 10th).
To my 18 year-old self,
Look back on this year as a learning process. To grow to change, to realise some people aren’t worth trying for but some certainly are.
See that not every day has to be a good day and that if you may think past times were better, that is only going to thwart your vision of the future.
No year is the same, no day, no moment, no repetition of phrase in your mind can replicate the feeling you’re feeling now. That is okay. You’re not always going to be happy and you’re not always going to be sad and THAT IS OKAY.
To my 18th year-old self, I hope you realise how great this year has been but I hope you realise that you are the only person who has the power to make next year better.
Beyond letters and words that I shall (hopefully happily) look back upon, I just wanted to word vomit about 17.
When my thoughts go hazy, I turn to my blog. For ethical fashion advice, or life advice, or musings or a discussion about French literature; my blog embodies who I am. It is by no means a representation of my head space but I could read back some of the sarcastic tone of some posts and note how I was feeling when I wrote them. Some days I don’t feel like writing, other days I could write a book. But the blank page and cursor is always there and much like a drug it’ll draw me back in, but unlike an addiction it has the power to remedy. I haven’t been blogging a lot lately, life has been hectic and on a ‘I want to save the world through my writings about ethical fashion’ front, I want to produce some quality content and seeing as I haven’t really been in the space to take outfit photos, I’ll leave that for a lil’ while.
I think I changed this year and I’m not sure for the better. I can slowly see my GCSE self creeping back, the self who didn’t leave her room for a week and would rather sleep than spend the day awake. That aside, I need to realise that it is up to me to change it and as the end of 2018 nears to a close I still have time change my attitudes. The year as a whole though was pretty damn positive and I’ve travelled, met new people, had a jam-packed summer and done a whole lot of great things with some even greater friends. I think you’ve got to appreciate what is in front of you; if you constantly kept reminiscing about what was in the past then you could never possibly be happy with anything because you’re constantly comparing it with what was. So Paris, Geneva, Stockholm, trips to London, trips with friends, staying at home with friends, an absence of parties that were, however, filled with the presence of more treasured moments. 17 you were great and for once I don’t ask for 18 to be better.
I couldn’t do this post without mentioning university and prospects for the future. In the past year, I’ve been visiting universities, deciding what I want to apply for, where I want to apply and generally just preparing for the whole process. In fact, that process is well underway and I’ve already got a few offers! I’m writing this post the weekend after admissions tests for Oxford (update: I never finished this post so now it is two weeks and I’m even less hopeful), they didn’t go well so I’m totally not hopeful about getting an interview and after processing that fact I think today I finally realised that it is totally okay and in no way is it going to stop me from loving the subjects that I’ve chosen to do at uni; History and French. I think the one thing that the past year has taught me is that you can love your subject so much outside the confines of the classroom and I’ve loved reading books for my personal statement and just general wider reading for History, French and of course the text dominant English Literature. For real though, if my Instagram is anything to go by, I probably spend more time reading semi-academic texts than doing my actual A-Levels which probably should change sometime soon.
I can remember talking to Dalal last year about how I was in the ‘honeymoon period’ with Sixth Form and seeing as my birthday is two months into the academic year that would definitely have still been in full swing. In fact, I’m probably still in the same honeymoon period a year and a bit later and I’m not adverse to that. I think when you find something you love doing, you just don’t really process how much time you put into it, despite the circles under my eyes that are increasingly getting darker due to lack of sleep… all is good on the education side.
I didn’t want this post to be an update, I wanted to write it because I think when I’m older and looking back on this in years to come I truly will appreciate what a great year this was and hopefully what next year will become. But I don’t want to focus on the future, I would happily like to focus on the now.
I love you lots, thank you for staying around and here is to 18 🙂
lots of love, eleanor x